Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Deeper Reason for Abstinence

I am sexual. That’s not a surprise for anyone here. So, I needed to explain why I decided to take a vow of abstinence. My decision is firm, and I will not change my mind about this: I will not have intercourse again until I am married. The first question that may come to your mind is: ‘What’s the point? You are not a virgin anymore.’ And I have to agree that it is a very good question.

My first time was not romantic, sensual or loving. I gave myself away without love. If I can sum up why I gave myself away, I would say I was tired of being a virgin and was too sexual, impatient and curious to wait for someone special. My first time was technical sex with the intention of breaking my hymen, nothing remotely close to love-making. That’s a decision that I painfully regret, and yet, I am able to learn from my past. Even though I made that first mistake, I thought that I could not repeat that bad decision since I was not a virgin anymore. So, I figured that there was no point delaying sex too much with a new partner.

So I had boyfriends and a few one night stands. But somehow along with my failed attempts at having a meaningful committed long-lasting relationship, I realized that I had only worked on relationships that were meant to fail from the very beginning. I had to change the way I would start my relationship so that my couple would actually have a chance. I was not looking deep enough in my boyfriends’ personality, character and values, just like they did not know me well, and I tried to figure out how I could achieve a better and deeper mutual understanding.

And the solution, at least for me, seemed to be related to how I dealt with sex at the beginning of all my relationships. I had allowed it to happen too soon, sooner than it was possible for me to really know my partner, earlier than it was possible for me and him to have deep feelings about the other. My mistake had been that I had always overlooked the significance of being loved before giving one’s self. Just like I had placed too much meaning on the physical aspect of being a virgin in the beginning, I kept giving too much importance on the physical aspect of sex.

And yet, I do not regret the loss of my virginity as much as that of my innocence. I had lost the hope that I would meet someone truly special for whom this gift would have been really special. I had reached a point where I thought that this kind of thing only happened in fairy tales. I thought my honour was gone with my virginity and that it was obviously too late to change anything about it. That’s why I gave it up along with my innocence. Even if nothing can be done about my virginity, there was hope about my innocence. I had no reason to believe that I had become unworthy of deference with the loss of my virginity.

Ultimately, I believe that the deeper reason why a man waits for a woman before marriage is about protecting her honour and respecting her, regardless of her sexual experiences. And this time, if a man cannot do that for me, then he is not the right one for me. So I hope that one day I will meet the man who will not only understand, but already know how to respect me.

I need that hope for now.

Kynky Kytty

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