Sunday, January 23, 2011

Down Times

I’ve had some issues lately, personal and professional, that made that I wasn’t too present around here. There was just so much important things going on that completely took away my energy and my motivation in working on my blog, my reviews, and my chores.

I have just celebrated the second year of my being single. I still consider myself happy in a way, but I feel that it has begun to take a toll on me. I can do without sex for a while, but right now I’d do anything to be able to be held real close to someone and be able to talk about my worries and everything. I miss the connection with another loving human being, to the point where I can get teary eyes if I think too much about what I do not have.

And then, another birthday is about to come up, and while I am single, there is the whole issue of wanting a family kept at bay. The thing is that I might not be able to meet someone and be with him long enough for us to consider kids before I’m too old to get them. I’ve been given the friendship card by the only guy I dated in two years, and then I’m not even sure he considered our outings dates. So not only do I have to get mentally ready to be single for a while longer, but I have to take in consideration that I might not be a parent. Not only that, but my aunts have started to include a boyfriend in the new year’s wishes. Do I seem that desperate to my family, really?

On top of that, I’ve had some really low times lately with work, because I didn’t get a promotion that I had shown interest in. I also learned that the interviews I went through were fake, since it had been decided for months who would take the position. It’s nice having employers giving the impression that you have a chance and then realize you’ve been played with. I was so insulted, and I can’t even go in details over all the other upsetting things that are a result of that. But it hit me hard, to the point of frequently crying myself to sleep, if I didn’t have insomnia.

So, I’ve decided to start looking for another job, or go back to school and get a better training. It’s highly stressful especially since most of the jobs in the field I graduated in aren’t in my area, and I can’t find a new apartment easily because pets are accepted in about 5% of housing in my area. But then, that’s if I can manage to get a job. I graduated in translation and I have no valuable experience. I’ve never been in a workplace where I can feedback on my work so that I can see what I do wrong and improve.

It’s like everything isn’t right in my life, and I hate change. It takes me a while to get used to anything that will overhaul my life, and now my peaceful little bubble has been completely burst into nothing. Well not everything is bad, I have some very good friends there for me, but I am just unable to speak to them of all those fears that are related to what’s going on, and what could be. It’s really overwhelming for me.

Usually, I’ve had the chance of having someone really close to me, a boyfriend or my best friend, to keep me motivated through hard times, or be happy with work while I was single, but not now. I can usually handle stress well during situations, but sometimes there is just too many things going on. Maybe I’m thinking too much about everything, and that I worry over nothing, but I can’t help it.

I’m not perfect.


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