I have been wanting to speak about the fear and insecurities of my ex-boyfriends about my sex toys for a little while now.

I had always been conscious that if I bought a sex toy that looked like a large penis with vibrating options, that my boyfriends would probably feel like they can’t compete. Maybe, maybe not. I just did not want to take that chance.

So I decided to buy colorful non-realistic toys that I thought looked really cute and would be non-threatening for them. I started to like that type of toys more and more, but just for personal reasons. I have a number of toys of all colors and if the toy can make me smile as I take it out of my box, it gets a bonus.

When I was with my last boyfriend, I had a handful of toys, oils and lubricants.  I had the Dinky Digger, the Layaspot and a silicone dildo, the Epicurean Rose, a cherry-flavored lubricant, a water-based lubricant, a silicone-based lubricant and a grape-flavored warming massage oil. It was basic, but it offered a good number of possibilities.

So, at that time, I was happy with what I owned and when was with my boyfriend at the time, I was looking forward to have them use them on me or me on him. I figured we’d have a lot of fun with those. However, I was in for a surprise.

I remember using the warming massage oil and the silicone lubricant once. That’s it. I was the one who took them out purposely to use them. I never repeated the experience, because he never told me he had enjoyed it. He was always appreciative of the things he liked, and I assumed that I would be told if he particularly liked something. And even if I had given him permission to surprise me with something, he never took anything out of the box.

I used the massage oil as part of a long oral sex session. I remember wanting to use a vibrator on him, but he had refused categorically. Now that I have a better overall picture of all my sexual experiences with him, I think this was the best blow job I had ever given him. He gave me all the credit, and the warming massage oil got none. I think it’s quite unfair. I gave and received massages again in that relationship, but never again with the massage oil.

As for the silicone lubricant, I had taken it out because he had never tried something like that and I wanted to show him. I really like the long-lasting gliding feel of that type of lubricant. He admitted he liked it, but did not like to think of using something with silicone, in case there were health risks.

I don’t understand why he never took the time to take my toys out to toy with me. He knew I liked them, the toys were mine and were easily accessible in my toy box. Even if it did not turn him on, he could have tried to try something new that he knew I would like. It would not have been too great a risk. Is it really that difficult to consider for some people?

I so wanted to be teased with my toys and to play with accessories to spice things up that I was highly disappointed by this. I wanted to feel what’s it was like to have someone else control the vibrations and where they would be used on me. The thought of it turned me on, and it still does. It’s something I have never experienced.

Kynky Kytty

P.S. There will be a second part to this soon, which is related to my post There is Such a Thing as Too Many Lies